A Deflating Moment

I finally figured out what a deflating moment is. The kind that writers describe in books. That one moment where someone else has the power to completely crush you till you feel like you're the size of a pea.

I experienced said moment last week-end. It was already a tough day for me that day. A lot of things going through my head that I have been repressing and avoiding. I had debated whether or not I should go out to the festivities that week-end and despite the fact that most people call me a pessimist I know inside I'm not. It was that hopeful aspect of my personality that propelled me out that night. I had that stupid misplaced belief that if I could summon up the resolve to go out then I'd be surprised by what happened.

Well of course as usual my hope was sadly misplaced. I really have no idea why I bother to hope anymore. It ALWAYS gets crushed. I can't even blame the person who did it. They didn't know what they were doing and they certainly didn't do it deliberately. It's not their fault that I'm a pathetic human being completely unworthy of love.

I was so embarassed because I felt like exactly what they had done was written all over my face that night. I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I wanted to run back out the door and away from them all. I felt so unworthy to be there and I felt so embarassed that I had believed for even a millisecond that this person would notice me at all. That I would even be seen by them.

I'm so stupid. Always believing in things that will never be, could never be. The proof is in my life for everyone to see. I am invisible. No one is ever going to look at me as if I'm the only person who ever mattered to them. Like I'm this precious piece of the puzzle that makes up their life.

My friends think I dwell on marriage but they are wrong. It isn't marriage or a wedding that I fear I'll never have. What I fear is that I'll never be loved by someone. I fear that it is impossible for anyone to want to spend the rest of their life with me. And even more frightening than that is the fear that I won't love the person who can love me.

Part of love's mystery and appeal is that it can't be predicted and it can't be forced. It comes unwanted and unasked. And I already know from experience that the few times people have shown minimal interest in me I couldn't return those feelings. That spark wasn't there. I even tried to force it once and it didn't work. I ended up feeling even worse.

Love is a one in a million shot. It's so incredibly rare that all those things that comprise it occur at the same time to produce this much longed for reaction. And I have only ever experienced it one-sided because all those things didn't line up for me. Think about it. One in a million chance. That is why there are people out there who live and die lonely. It wasn't because they didn't try. They got the 'sorry try again' message. But unfortunately that is only any good if you have any money left to buy another ticket. I guess I'm really scared cause I know I don't. Even if I did there is no one who would buy a ticket for a chance to be with me.